InKredible Kids
A podcast with Kosher content geared toward empowering Jewish kids of all ages. We interview kids from around the world and have many interactive segments for all kids to enjoy. While having fun and learning new skills, kids will hear about responsibility, empathy, confidence, and more!
InKredible Kids
The Wins You Don't See: Self-control, small steps, and expert tips for kids who are trying their hardest
Ever feel like there’s a “song in your head” and you just want to blurt it out, but you’re trying SO hard to hold it in? This episode is for you.
Morah Tziri sits down with Suri, a 16-year-old from London, who describes what it really feels like to struggle with self-control in class, being misunderstood, and still wanting to be a good person. Suri shares the mindset that helped her grow the most: every step counts, even the tiny ones no one notices.
Then Morah Tziri is joined by a special guest, Ahuva, to listen to practical tips from two experts who help kids and teens build impulse control in real life. You’ll hear simple, doable strategies you can try today.
Listener challenge:
Pick one moment this week where you want to blurt, react, or interrupt. Try one tool from this episode and notice what happens. Even if it’s 10 seconds, that counts.
Contributing Experts:
- Dr. Joseph Bechhofer
Contact info:
josephbechhofer@gmail.com
443-370-1877 - Mrs. Avigayil Tuchinsky
Contact info: Socialskills68@gmail.com +972 58-447-1535
Want to be on the podcast?
Email: ikidspodcast@gmail.com
Please help us reach more families:
If you loved this episode, share it with a friend, leave a 5-star rating, and subscribe so you never miss an episode.
InKredible Kids has one mission: to help you become more InKredible, by helping you realize the superpowers inside you.
Hey kids, welcome back to the next episode of the Incredible Kids Podcast. My name is More Theories, and I will be your host through this incredible journey. We are going to meet many incredible kids. We are going to spare talk to their stories. Some of them super cool and stuff like you've never heard before. And some you mean today are just ordinary, but all of them incredible. If you have great ideas, email me today at iKidspodcast at gmail.com. And now it's time for Inscribing! It's time for the joke of the day! Yay! Today's joke is brought to you by Leia W from Brooklyn, New York.
SPEAKER_08:How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep? You rock it.
SPEAKER_04:Hello everybody, and welcome back to the next episode of the Incredible Kids Podcast. I am Moritziri, and today I am beyond excited to present an episode to you that I've been meaning to do for a very, very long time. Actually, I was requested to do an episode about this topic, which is self-control and working on our impulses and what it's like, the real experience of what it's like to struggle with that. Back in October of 2023, so that's over two years ago. And since then I've gotten so many different requests because this is something that so many kids struggle with. It is sort of connected to some of the things we've talked about in the past, like ADHD and other things as well. And it doesn't really have its own category necessarily because at different points, lots of kids could struggle with needing to feel like they need to blurt something out in the middle of class or even in different social situations at home with friends. It could be very annoying to other people. You could be in the middle of playing a game and everyone needs to concentrate and you just keep blurting something out, and that could bother your friends, and it could even bother you. And working on it is a really mature and big step.
SPEAKER_05:Everybody knows I suffer from a lack of self-control.
SPEAKER_04:Before we get into it, and before I tell you about today's special interviewee, I want to share one particular email that I got that inspired me to get working on this episode. So, over a year ago already, we put out an episode called Ferrari Brains, which by the way is one of our most popular episodes that have ever come out in Incredible Kids. So if you've never heard it, please go back and listen to it. It's amazing. We heard from Bella, who talked about the very real struggle of having a lot of energy, your mind going in so many different directions. And we also spoke with Mr. and Mrs. Meyerwitz, who are husband and wife duo. They both are social workers who help kids with this every single day. So this is the email that I got afterwards, and I want to share it with all of you. Of course, I'm not going to share the child's name, who it's about, or anything that will identify who this child is, but it was so special to me. I'm telling you now, this was dated from January of 2025. So it's almost exactly a year later that I'm sharing this with you. Okay, I'm gonna skip around a little bit. Dear Moritziri, I hope this email finds you well. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I wanted to share my heartfelt thanks for highlighting ADHD struggles and superpowers. My son is almost nine years old, Bar Hashem, and he had some things he wanted to share. And so I typed it up. Basically, she said, and you know, in his words, here is what he wanted to say. And these are his words. He said, in the beginning, I didn't think it was so interesting. He's talking about the episode or the ADHD episode, because I read quickly and I don't draw well. So I guess he was like, oh, Bella is the opposite of me. So it didn't make much sense to me. Today, I felt it was very hard for me to behave in school and to listen to my teachers the first time that they ask. A big problem was that as the punishments got more strict, my behavior also got worse. In my body, I felt frustrated, like my insides were exploding, and I was mad at the teacher. And then I realized most of the stuff that Bella talked about could be helpful for me because now I know there are other kids that have struggles like me. I understand when she wants to share something in class and it's hard for her not to call out. I get it. When something is boring in class, I try to space out, and when the time is right, I listen back to what the teacher said. Mrs. and Mr. Meyerwitz gave me some good ideas for when I feel like I'm having an energy explosion. I wrote down on a notepad some ideas that I thought of after I listened to the whole podcast. I definitely will try to ble-nether use some of the suggestions that they said. After listening to the podcast, I gave my mother a big hug because I realized that I am special and can achieve very big goals. When I get upset and if things are hard, my mother tells me I'm gonna be a great grown-up, and Mr. and Mrs. Meyerwitz said the same thing. Wow. This is amazing. I have chills again reading it an entire year later, like as if it never happened before, but that's what happens to me. And I read it with you so that you can also think when you listen to any episode of Incredible Kids, but especially the story that we're gonna highlight today from our very own friend Surrey, all the way in London. You're gonna see the similarities, even if you're not the same age as her, even if you're a boy, even if you're from a different city, so many kids struggle, so many teens struggle with the same exact feelings. I love how this boy who wrote me this email used such descriptive words like an energy explosion. That's really what it feels like. He talked about how his insides were exploding when he was mad at his teacher. It really feels that way, so misunderstood, and the feelings are so strong. I hope everyone has so much to gain from this episode. I am so excited to tackle this super important topic today. But I want to say one disclaimer, one very important thing. When I spoke with Suri, we had such an awesome conversation, which you're about to be a part of. And I wanna just remind the listeners that the purpose of our conversation was not so that we could be angry at teachers. And it's not so that we can be more disrespectful. It's really the opposite. It's for us to give the teachers a chance to understand where we're coming from as kids in class, which often they already do understand. Maybe they even struggle with it on their own in some way. And then it's for us to recognize that we have what to work on and no one's really out to get you, right? It's really an opportunity for us to say, hey, if I start to work on myself, my own life is going to get better. And there's gonna be teachers throughout my life. Different ones are gonna trigger different feelings inside of me, different environments, but I'm gonna make it in life. And when I get bigger and stronger and I keep practicing how to have that good kind of impulse control in whatever way works for me, I'm going to begin to feel so much better at myself. Referencing back that email, like I love how he ran to his mother and gave her that hug, and he said, I realize that I'm special and can achieve very big goals. That is the whole point. Oh, I love it. After my conversation with Suri, stay on for a segment where we hear from two experts in the field of helping kids grow in this area. And now please enjoy my insightful conversation with Suri Landale from London, England. I'm feeling tired because it's the end of a day for me and it's only 9.30 at night. But you, Suri, for you, what time is it? 2.30 a.m. in the morning.
SPEAKER_03:You're crazy. No, because you know I I was thinking maybe I should do the next week. But first of all, I can't book something like a week in advance or something because then I always get busy. Like that time, I'll always have something to do. And 2.30 is the time I'm for sure available, so are you usually a night owl? Actually, um, not really. I mean, usually at 2.30 I am tired and like I try sleeping at that time, but this is already saying a lot about you.
SPEAKER_04:I'm kidding. Yeah, that's really late. I mean, like to say midnight is like whatever. 2 30 is nuts. I'm gonna try not to like, you know, be I'm gonna try to be the rest of the adult adult.
SPEAKER_03:I can't think too much about being like confident or shy because my mind is not gonna work in that way now.
SPEAKER_04:Be yourself. I always tell everyone who comes on here, pretend nothing's recording. You know, you have to use some sort of judgment. But this is a place where whatever you say that's meaningful and that has some level of meaning to you could be crazy meaningful to someone else that you don't know. I actually told my kids that I'm meeting with you tonight. They like to know, like, oh, who are you interviewing today? So I said, I'm interviewing this girl, Suri, and we're gonna talk about some struggles with school. And I mentioned like a few different pieces that I knew about you from your email, and they were like, oh my gosh, that always happens to me. So even my own age. I've got everything that happens to everyone, by the way. You experience everyone's emotions in one body. Oh gosh. Okay, so tell us about yourself, Suri.
SPEAKER_03:Where are you from? I live in London, um, 16 years old. But you at work's that till what age do you go to school?
SPEAKER_04:Um, it depends on. I mean, it's till 12th grade, which is often 17 or sometimes even 18.
SPEAKER_03:So we have it's basically called school and sim, but for me, like personally, it's like a continuation from school. It's just going to a different building. Sometimes girls move out like to different SEM, I mean, a lot of times. What's the highest grade of high school for you? It's year 11, which I think is 10th grade. 11th grade. No, 10th grade. Oh, it's similar to 10th grade. When you're 16, so I just got out of school and I'm a SEM, which really is the same thing. Everything feels the same, just it has maybe a bit more like courses and just harder. Oh yeah. Trust me. But in the end of the day, you're treated more like adult. In what way? A lot of things are your responsibility. Like they're not gonna run after the teachers, like, if you miss it, yeah, I'm not gonna come telling you you have to take your test. But at the end of the time, I'm gonna come telling you you didn't do this and this and this test. If you don't do it, like you have to do it before you can come back to the next thing and you're gonna be done.
SPEAKER_04:So it's in your own best interest to be on top of your life.
unknown:Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:In a way that's worse. It's crazy because like I'm used to having teachers running after you on tests and stuff that I now have to go to the office, get the test, like right. Defend for yourself. Yeah.
SPEAKER_04:I just want to start by saying that you wrote a letter a long time ago, and I feel like I start off every interview like this. I don't know if it makes me sound nuts, but like Bar Hashem, I can't always keep up with the amount of amazing emails that I get, and I really read them all, even if I don't respond right away or whatever. They mean a lot. And yours was really, really detailed, and there were a few things in it that really stuck out at me. Like you said in the beginning, very relatable. A lot of the things you described were things that I remember feeling in school. I know that other kids and teens definitely could relate to the things that you want to share. You mentioned how it's hard for you to sit in class. For anyone who's been with Incredible Kids long enough, they might remember that the very first Incredible Kids episode was called I Can't Sit, or you would say, I can't sit. Right? And because that's something that for me spoke to me. On the show, we asked kids to tell us what they can do to focus when they start to feel like they have ants in their pants, you know, got jittery moving around. Does that ever happen to you?
SPEAKER_06:It does. So last year I felt like extra jittery, so my mother bought me like a wobble cushion thing.
SPEAKER_04:It's so hard to sit in class, whether you have some sort of diagnosis or not of A, D, H, D, whatever it is, it's hard to sit in class for a lot of people. And I thought that would be a topic that would speak to many people, and it really did. And that's really what made Incredible Kids what it is today. So I want you to speak to that from your perspective. Why is that something you wanted to bring up?
SPEAKER_03:I feel like a lot of kids struggle with sitting in class. I find like that struggling is not gonna only speak to the people that have a problem with sitting in class, but also girls who don't have friends or struggling academically, any types of struggles. I'm very, very, very passionate about it just because I lived through it. Because, you know, in school, I was never really acknowledged for anything. So helping people would be like my biggest thing. But first of all, really it started off with just me not being able to sit in the class. I like to describe it as when you have, let's say, a song in your head and you know you just sing it and sing it and you can't sing it, you mustn't sing it, yeah. You have that really, really, really strong urge to sing it, and a lot of times you'll end up by mistake singing it. Really, you're trying so hard not to sing it. Yeah, you're really, really, really trying, but like naturally you'll just sing it without even knowing. So it's the same thing. Subconsciously. Yeah. So it's the same thing with sitting in the class. I really, really, really try really hard to sit and focus. It's like a song in your head that you try and try and try. But this trying, no one can see because no one knows what's going through in my head. No one knows you have a song in your head. So you want to sing it repeatedly. That's when people see that you have something, no one knows that every minute literally goes through this. It's up to you because no one is gonna see it. And that is a very big part. And then the problem is that when you by mistake, like you don't mean to misbehave or anything, by mistake, you'll do it. Sadly, everyone's gonna be like, uh uh, I stopped misbehaving and I don't know what. But you'll be like, you know how much I tried till now that this was my breaking point. Like, that is why it's up to you to be able to make every step count. So I was never acknowledged for anything, anything, anything only the big things, but you you know what? In the end of the day, it's not the big things because big things are easier to do than little things.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, there's no award for holding yourself back for 30 seconds, right? No, there's no award for that. And number one, like you said, nobody knows the struggle. Only Hashem knows the burden. I think it's particularly hard for the people who are sitting in a classroom and are sitting in a desk, and this is all happening internally, and sometimes there's nothing that would suggest that they're struggling because they're not jumping around, they're not even twiddling their thumbs, because sometimes those kids get all the attention because they're like, oh, that kid needs a break. That kid is jumping, they're all over the place. But for the ones who are sitting there and they're having that quiet struggle and they're really trying not to blurt something out or chat with their friend next to them or do something disrespectful, nobody knows that struggle. I think that would be really cool if we somehow made some sort of award system for the person who can, you know, but it's but again, it's all us against ourselves because even if person B over there was able to hold themselves back for 20 minutes and you were able to for 37 seconds, you might have a much bigger struggle. And so really you should maybe be the winner. So really only Hashem knows.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah. That is why I find it so important for someone to believe in themselves because if you don't believe in yourself, who else will? Not because no one wants to, it's just because no one knows. I'm not saying I don't blame any of my teachers and stuff because there is that bit that they could acknowledge. And you know what? A teacher can always give you a telling off and be like, I saw that the first minute of the lesson you were quiet. Like it doesn't hurt, yeah? And it makes such a hard realize. So she saw that I worked hard. I did maybe fail at the end. It's not failed, it's I I agree. Made a mistake, whatever. Yeah. Yeah. You glitched, they would say.
SPEAKER_04:Wow, that's a great introduction. This is something people don't talk about enough. I also do believe a lot of times most teachers and educators they don't want to make you feel horrible about yourself. But when they're teaching and when it's not convenient for them because they're trying to get a lesson out and somebody is disruptive, like if the teacher would compliment you for something that you worked on first and notice your struggle, then you would kind of accept it from them when they also say, Oh, by the way, like we cannot interrupt. Then because you have like that relationship where you know they understand you, it helps. It's not like you're so fragile that like if someone's gonna tell you off for talking, you're gonna be like, oh, you're the worst, you know? Because imagine the teacher actually did take the time to sit with you and say, like, how can we incentivize you? You would feel so good.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, because all the teachers that do such things, these are always the teachers that I try the hardest. No, really, I had this teacher. She walked into the class the first lesson of the year. I know teachers deny it, but it's a fact. And my sister's a teacher now, so that you get told about your students before. So this teacher walk in and like.
SPEAKER_04:Wait, one second. That was supposed to be a secret that they know about you? Yeah. I mean, I'll tell everybody. They do that in every school in the world. I've never heard of a school that doesn't do that because you don't just give a teacher a classroom of 20, 30 students and say, here you go, figure them all out on your own. What was the whole year before for? But I will say that it's important for teachers who are hearing the information. What I would do when I was teaching and they would tell me about the students is I would like to close one ear. I want to hear about the students, I want to know enough, but I don't want to know what you think of them. I don't want to hear your opinion of them. Don't tell me your opinion because let me formulate my opinion about them, which hopefully will only be positive. But like, if you had an issue with them, I don't want to be influenced by your issues.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah. Also, you know how many times I was like, okay, fresh start all over again. So I had this teacher. She walked in the first lesson. She wants to discipline. It was actually a first-year teaching, so I don't blame her like that much. Yeah. Maybe her outfit or something made me laugh. And I just I smiled, yeah. But she came walking in looking for me and she saw me, and she was like, if you make one sound out of this class, here we go. This teacher until this day, miserable stories. Wanted to try, so maybe I tried behaving because you know I'd be nice to her. I'm not saying that I was a monkey in every lesson. No, because I'm not. I didn't put too much thought in it. Because by the time it came to her lesson, I'm like, she doesn't care. Let her punish me.
SPEAKER_04:Basically, from day one, she showed you that she wasn't here to understand you.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, yeah. Because she knew. But she didn't want to come help me in any way. She just wanted to have a discipline. She wanted to show me don't mess with me. I try messing with everyone. Problem. Oh gosh.
SPEAKER_04:I will say that it is not easy to be a teacher for middle school, high school age kids. No, no. Girls or boys. It's rough. So anyone who attempts it is definitely brave. We'll give credit for bravery, but but it's important for teens and kids to know that that like teachers are humans.
SPEAKER_05:No way.
SPEAKER_04:That come in with hopefully the expectation to do well in the world and to influence people for the good. But it's important that we have these conversations so that everybody realizes that sometimes there are kids in your class who want to do well, and all because on the outside they might look tough, they might be tough to cover up something else.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah. No one wants to be bad. Also, I find a lot that like a lot of times when a teacher will tell me off, I'm very, very, very sensitive, like crazy sensitive. I would answer them back. Disrespectful, it's a very big problem. And I try, but you know, no one wants to be bad. There's always an issue. Yeah?
SPEAKER_04:It's important that you're saying that because I think that that's very true for a lot of people with sensitive natures. People don't realize how sensitive they are because they're trying to cover it up. And they don't want to tap into their sensitivity because A, it could be embarrassing. Like what if I break down and cry or get too invested in it? And B, you're just, I don't know what I'm saying, A and B. It's all the same thing. Like you're just protecting yourself. So you put on this like tough front and that could look like chutzpah, and it could look like I'm better than you, and or it is chutzpah. But whatever my point is what it could look like is that you're so tough that nothing's gonna bother you. But really, you're the most fragile and you're the most delicate. Yeah. I think that people with sensitivity are special, special Noshamos who have so much potential for like a billion things. No, I'm serious. People who are highly sensitive, I relate to this because I'm highly sensitive myself. And it's true. People don't realize. I had that experience in school also, where I would be fresh back to teach her sometimes, and then they like get mad back at you because they just don't understand where you're coming from. It's an important thing to recognize because once you know that about yourself, like if someone could say, I'm a sensitive person, and whoa, like that's me. I feel so insulted when these things happen. That's a really good first step. The first step. Notice what bothers you and what doesn't, and it's okay because you have a heart. Bar Hashem, you have a beating, loving heart. And that's what's breaking, and that's what also is so amazing to have, and that's where the good stuff comes in. Unfortunately, when you have that, you have both.
SPEAKER_03:Still happy. I'm still happy. And that's a good thing. I like having this nature. It's a big package, it is, but it's beautiful. But you know what? I think that people like me, when they're gonna grow up, or even now, do more than the girls that sat nice in lessons and just go with a flow kind of with life. Yeah. I like exploring more, doing more. Like I like doing. I do a lot. What do you do? I work with special needs kids a lot. I just realized that recently that I had like a few other girls in my class also like have fun and lessons and that type. And they also like do with special needs kids and stuff. I do hospital shifts, all different stuff.
SPEAKER_04:Wow, that's amazing. What is it about working, let's say, with special needs children that like fills your cup? Like, what is it that you're like glowing when you're saying that?
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, no, it's literally my life. Because you know what? These kids that first of all they're so pure, so pure. So holy. So holy. So pure pure. You can't find anyone more pure than these kids because they can't do anything wrong. And when they do something like nice, it can be like this child that can be hurting someone, and the next minute she's like apologizing, and it comes out so beautifully. You would be like, Don't hurt and don't apologize, yeah? But the innocence from these kids is crazy. So I really, really, really think that kids that aren't like some things they're not able to do physically, mentally. It's like an honor for me to be able to help them live in their day-to-day life. Literally, Hashem's children.
SPEAKER_04:Wow, that's amazing. That's the perfect example of using your sensitivity and acting on it. Like that's perfect. Perfect.
SPEAKER_03:And they do recognize that's why they don't look at who you are, they don't think of who you are, they don't nothing. They try finding everything good in everyone. They fish out for good stuff for the fun, the common and the the biggest smile on their faces when like I see them. That's beautiful. Is there like a certain organization that you work with, or are you just know people personally? Uh yes, so all different. So a step by step that's an out-of-school program more. Like, so there's after school Sundays, I'm young tough, all that type. Then I do in a home. There's a home like of special needs kids that I go to every service. I do bek a high lim. There's like hospital shifts, taking out special needs, doing all that stuff. I work in a special needs school every Friday. Like we don't have to. You are a busybody. I am. That's why I said I am. I know, you're not kidding. Whoa. Do you ever like take a break? Oh yeah. I'm so bored.
unknown:You're bored.
SPEAKER_03:Always so bored.
SPEAKER_04:Well, the boredom prompts you to do more things.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, yeah. Because you know what, the busiest people have the most time.
SPEAKER_04:Always, for sure. That's a lot of things. And it's an amazing thing because really, like being a teenager is the time for you to like develop yourself and figure out what makes you tick. There's so much going on for teenagers when they're growing up, and it's a very like me, me, me, me focused time. I love when teenagers get involved in things on their own, not because their school mandated it. Like you need to do, you know how like schools say like you need to do chasset? No. But because you want to and because you're following your heart, you want to make a difference and it's real. It's so amazing that you're already having those qualities because it doesn't necessarily come natural to people for sure in this stage of life. Plus, if you don't have those years of experience with all the volunteering and the making relationships and accepting different types, going out of your way for people, then you become an adult and you kind of like just got used to only caring about yourself. Like you need that foundation. It sounds like you're really building that up, which is so awesome.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah.
SPEAKER_04:I want to change the world. That's my thing. In more ways than one, it sounds like.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, I've got dreams like every day.
SPEAKER_05:Change the world. Change the world.
SPEAKER_03:What's another dream that you have? Originally, I wanted to get interviewed because my dream is to open a podcast. Okay, okay, take it on. I love music. Love music. I go voice lessons, I love singing. So I wanted to open a podcast, basically calling on anyone and asking what's a favorite song and why. Because people went through so many different situations. So imagine a person that went through a similar situation that can suddenly see the song as like, oh wow, I didn't know what it takes out. And I start relating to song, connecting. Because when I was really, really, really struggling, I was really, really, really having a hard time. I didn't have anything. It was literally up to myself to do anything. I want to make it easier, like for anyone going through something, just to be able to have something.
SPEAKER_04:Okay, so try it on me. Pretend you're the host. Take away the mic.
SPEAKER_03:I actually practiced it one math lesson. It's not folder. My papers.
SPEAKER_04:Oh, you wrote down and like you doodled like what you would ask people.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah. Okay, star.
SPEAKER_04:Star, ask me what would be your opening question. So, what is your favorite song? Oh, we're jumping right into it. I love that.
SPEAKER_03:Oh, I didn't know I have to make an introduction first. No, no, this is great. Oh, okay, fine. Yeah. Oh, you want to make an introduction? Should I? I don't know. This is your podcast. Um okay, so happy to introduce the one and only I didn't think about it before. Okay, we're good. Let's just jump right into it. No Incredible Kids, which I'm on now if you don't know.
SPEAKER_04:What is your favorite song? Okay, so my favorite song changes from time to time. I don't know that I have like one all-time favorite song. Yeah, no, but there's a lot of songs that when they come on, I'm like, oh no, this one is my favorite song, you know, like this one is my favorite song.
SPEAKER_03:But is it is it similar to the other ones? Maybe. Is there one reason why you're connecting to these songs? Or it might be that you're connecting to ten different situations.
SPEAKER_04:Right.
SPEAKER_03:It doesn't always have to be one song that sorts your life out.
SPEAKER_04:I think different stages of life, different songs speak to me. One song that I always liked was Hamol Alma Sacha.
SPEAKER_03:This song really means a lot to many other people. I'd like to know why it means and speaks so much to you.
SPEAKER_04:First of all, I love the tune of it. I always just loved it, but it's from Yom Kippur Davening, from like some of the Slijos. I love those songs because I feel like it just reminded me of the purity and the closeness of coming to Hashem. And it's funny, people used to ask me, like, what's your favorite yantif? And like I was like, is it weird if I say Yom Kippur? Now I hate fasting, so it's not a favorite yantif. Not at all, but I love the feeling of feeling like I'm clean and close to Hashem and he's accepting me no matter what. You know that feeling of like Naila when you're just like, it's good, like it's all good. We're gonna be okay.
SPEAKER_03:So the funniest thing is that not a lot of people think about the food that Neila. Really not.
SPEAKER_04:Exactly. Now, Bar Hashem, I have not been to show in many, many years for Nailah, because I'm busy with my kids, but I miss it. I miss that feeling. And Murta Hashem, one day at the right time, I'll go back to shool for that. That song brings me back. So when I hear it now, and I actually walk down the aisle to it. That wasn't the song that I chose to walk down to at my wedding. I love that song.
SPEAKER_00:Wow.
SPEAKER_04:And the words, the words are so beautiful. Like we're asking Hashem to have mercy on his creations. Sometimes when you feel like in a hard place and you're struggling with whatever challenge, you need songs that connect you to Hashem and that make you beg him for something.
SPEAKER_03:The tune is so nice, and there isn't a nicer way of having a stunning tune, basically connecting you with Hashem. Yeah. Exactly. Okay.
SPEAKER_04:Okay, you're a really good host. Look at you validating me. Okay, I'm gonna take back the mic now. I'm kidding. But you're great, you're natural.
SPEAKER_03:I know that music means a lot to you, and I also know that you compose a song. Okay, basically I made my own words and I put it to your tune. I had something that happened which I felt very, very, very, very, very upset about. So I'm sitting there punished, and I always was sent to is like the back office. Like, I know that office off Bah. I know every spot on that place because I literally sat there for hours. I spent literally, I can say a quarter of my school years in the back office. Like they. So a lot of times my headmistress is like, I don't think you should go into that lesson, so go in the back office. I'm like, thank you. Is the headmistress what you call a principal? Yeah, yeah. Okay, okay. So interesting. Yeah, continue. In there, a lot of times, like I asked for pen and paper what I found there, and I just wrote poems. That's why my podcast got invented. My life decisions happened there. They I always wrote words, and I always was busy. There was this one that I really, really, really, really like, liked and I really kept. Tell us about it. The tune is from This One by Brachadi. Okay. One of my literal favourite songs because it relates to everyone's situation, and my motto is every step counts. No one sees, no one sees what you're doing. And that's why this one goes out to you. No one knows. And the private struggle. Yeah, and her whole song is basically that no one knows what you went through. This is why I chose the tune, because I like loved it and I thought it would be really, really, really nice. And then I made words.
SPEAKER_04:So the idea of every step counts means like from back what you were saying.
SPEAKER_03:So, first it's about me telling myself to believe in yourself because no one's gonna know. And then it's about telling other people that I know I was in this situation. Basically, kind of like the song applauding you and telling you that no one's gonna ever know what you went through, but like. So it comes from your personal experience. Keep strong and telling myself the same. And never stop telling yourself that. In every situation, you have to believe in yourself, in the smallest things. So if you don't believe in yourself, you're not gonna do it.
SPEAKER_04:Which part of the song and the poetry in the song is the most meaningful?
SPEAKER_03:This one goes out to you for all the bullets you sprayed through. I hope you hear in my silent applause. Every step I've taken counts for all the lessons I made it through. I hope I feel it in this quiet chair, holding myself strong. I know it feels small, but I'm a fighter just standing tall. And every step I take counts, it counts. I'm proud of all I've done. Holding yourself strong, I know it feels small, but your fighters just standing tall. And every step you take, it counts, it counts. This one goes out to you.
SPEAKER_04:Let me ask you a question. You know, we've talked about what it feels like when you're misunderstood and what happens when you are misunderstood and you don't have the right support, let's say, that's gonna understand you or the right teachers or whatever. What did you find worked for you? Because as you said, every step counts. Clearly, you've taken steps that ultimately made you proud of yourself, so you had some sort of growth in this area. What helped you and what continues to help you to have the self-control to keep comments to yourself in class? Is there anything you can share that worked for you?
SPEAKER_03:Reminding myself that no one else knows what I'm working on, so I shouldn't even try proving it to everyone. I just just keep going. And then when I did, I really, really, really felt good and I really felt like I achieved something.
SPEAKER_04:Visualizing the outcome. Like imagining what it's gonna be like when you finished the lesson and you hadn't interrupted.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, yeah. That was a huge thing. Believing in myself, knowing that that's nothing to do with me. Of course, when people say love yourself and I am myself, I still feel like people should say, I am myself, trying to be a better person, striving to be a better person. Because yourself doesn't yet define you. Yourself can always be better, but still yourself. People mix the thing with saying you have to love yourself and be proud of yourself and accept who you are, basically. You still have to accept who you are and don't try being someone else because then you're not yourself and you're not someone else. But take what you are and make it a good way. Obviously, not everything will be perfect because why are we here if we were to be perfect?
SPEAKER_05:I know that I'm not perfect.
SPEAKER_03:I'm trying my best. We're here to work on ourselves. So being yourself, believing yourself, knowing who you are, loving who you are, loving your personality, still trying to be a better person, trying to be the best version of yourself. Wow, that's beautiful.
SPEAKER_04:It's important not to just tell yourself, like, I'm perfect the way I am and I'm fine. That's not considered loving yourself because then you're not gonna grow. You're just gonna be complacent with just staying at whatever level you're at. Like you have to give yourself grace, but also realize that there's room to become better.
SPEAKER_03:So when I failed, I was like, it wasn't right what I did, but I'm not gonna blame myself because that's what Hashem gave me. That's my struggle that Hashem gave me. This is what happened this time. Next time, I'll think about it twice or whatever the situation will be. Because I still try being a better person in the personality I have.
SPEAKER_04:I think it's very self-aware of you that you recognize that. Did anyone help you get to that point? How do you have this language and this knowledge? It's all from yourself.
SPEAKER_03:I had many, many, many different times that I literally felt crushed. Like when I tell you crushed, I mean crushed after working so hard and behaving, and then had these horrible, horrible, horrible moments. From there, I really, really started seeing challenges and a better way learning from it. Wow.
SPEAKER_04:You adopted this mindset of growing from your challenges despite whatever else went on, and even if something was unfair or something, it's you know, it's if there's chutzpah, if there's bad behavior, those things should not be tolerated, but it doesn't mean that you're discounted. Like your experience is real and you gotta deal with that, and you gotta deal with that. It's two separate things. What advice would you give to teachers and adults out there who work with students and they want to? You know, I want to tell you something. I got an email from an incredible kid who told me that they want to be interviewed because they have a teacher this year that they are not excited about. And they're like, How do we get through the year? We wanna be respectful. They said to me, Mord Siri, we want to be respectful, we want to have a good year. How do we get through the year? And I just screenshotted it, I took out their names and I put it on my WhatsApp status, and I just thought it was interesting. I said, hmm, this is something interesting to think about, you know, and it's an amazing thing that our kids are asking this question. Instead of being angry and rude to the teachers, they're trying to make it work. So a teacher who sees my statuses messaged me. She said, Oh no, are those my students? She's like, I'm trying so hard to like understand. I'm like, no, it's not you. Because if anybody's worried about that, it's probably not them. What message would you give to teachers out there if they have students in their class like you, which they probably do, who have a struggle and they're not being seen for their struggle and their struggle's not being understood.
SPEAKER_03:First of all, give this child a chance. And anything, you can be even a person going for a job interview that heard back. Give this person a chance. That is number one. And number two, you can always tell the student that, yeah, I understand that it's hard for you. But whilst you're in class, I personally don't like being singled out. I don't like being singled out. I don't like getting different work in the class in front of my whole class. I appreciated the most the teachers that would really work hard but would do it in a way that no one else sees. Yeah. Between you and me. Even in the ways of telling off. Like when I was younger, yeah, these teachers would be like, in the middle of the lesson, be like, So remember what I told you? And everyone would be like, uh, and up and I'd be like, that's not nice, yeah? You can't do that. You can tell me after the lesson that this and this is what you did. And also really, really try looking out for every small thing because sometimes there's these shy girls, there's these girls that do something and they really want to feel recognized. Because I'm like really sensitive. Sometimes I show that I don't need attention. Really, I do want attention. Everyone wants attention, everyone wants recognition, even recognizing the the smallest things, you never know what you'll get to. Because I'm telling you, there's times that I'll remember like small things. I once told something for a girl, and my teacher heard, and I didn't see anything big about telling this girl something, and this teacher was over that was so nice to this girl. Maybe I really was. I just didn't put any thought into it. I remember it was years ago because it really showed me that these teachers that look around, see what's good, they'll find, you know what I mean? And these are the teachers that you want you try and pressing and you try and giving them back the most that you can. Amazing.
SPEAKER_04:Well, Suri, thank you for sharing for being so open and shedding light on this topic that it's sensitive to talk about. I feel like there's a lot of people who will relate to what you shared. Can I take a picture? Of course.
SPEAKER_03:Thank you so much for joining us. Thank you so much for having me. It was really such an honor. Oh my gosh. Likewise. Can I say one tiny thing? Yeah, sure. Can I give a shout out to my cousin? Of course. So, my cousin, she's called Mary Landau and all the other Landau cousins. Yeah. They are like so busy, Mercery. They copy you. Where does she live? That's in London. That's so cute. We were like, we go to our grandma, we copy you. That's so fun. I love that you're bonding over this. She's the one that updates me everything about incredible kids if there's something to know. Now I told her that I'm gonna that like am I being interviewed? She was like, Noah, you're a superstar now.
SPEAKER_04:So shout out, Mary. Thanks for being such a good listener. Have a good night and get some sleep. Whatever, good morning. I don't know what to say to you at this point. Okay, bye. In order for us to really understand how to have better self-control, we're gonna need to hear from some experts. People who spend most of their day helping people with having self-control, teaching kids and adults different tips and tricks. So I consulted, that means I asked for advice from two different wonderful people, Dr. Joseph Bachhaffer and Mrs. Abigail Tushinski. And what I'm gonna do now is I'm gonna listen back to the messages that they sent me, along with all of you, but also along with a special guest. And so I invite my dear Ahuva to join me as we listen to these tips, and then we'll kind of figure out what we think about them as we go along. Welcome, Ahuva, to the show. Hi. For those people who don't know you, can you quickly introduce yourself?
SPEAKER_08:Hi, I'm Ahuva Price, and I live in Baltimore and I'm Moward Siri's daughter, and yeah.
SPEAKER_04:And you have very, very much of your own identity as well. Right? You're your own person. Are you ready to delve into these voice notes about self-control? Let's do it! Okay, here we go. First up is Dr. Joseph Beckhoffer from Baltimore, Maryland.
SPEAKER_01:Hello, incredible kids. My name is Dr. Joseph Beckhoffer, and I'm a child psychologist in Baltimore. Orit Siri asked if I could share some tips and tricks on self-control techniques, and it's my pleasure to do so. You know, self-control is a great skill to work on because our mission in life is to work hard, make good choices. The more self-control we have, the better choices we make. Okay, so here we go, kids. Number one is self-control is like a muscle. And the more you work on self-control, the stronger your self-control becomes.
SPEAKER_08:Right, like when you exercise in the gym, you get much stronger. Exactly. Same idea.
SPEAKER_01:If you're a child that naturally doesn't have such great self-control skills, don't worry, because it's the kind of thing that you can work on and it gets better and better. So if you're motivated to work on your self-control, I think it's great to have reminders. Have a little stop sign on my desk, a stop sign that I put in my room that reminds me to stop and think before I do something or say something. It might be something that I keep in my pocket that serves as a reminder. Or an acronym.
SPEAKER_08:What's an acronym?
SPEAKER_04:That's a really good question, actually. An acronym is when you have a word and each letter in the word stands for something.
SPEAKER_01:A great acronym that I saw was from a book called Monster Diaries. ST with a little for. ST4, which stands for stop, and then there's four Ts. Take time to think. ST4. Stop, take time to think. This kind of reminder maybe works for a week or two, and then we may need to replace it with a new reminder.
SPEAKER_04:I feel like I would combine those two reminders. I would make a stop sign and write ST4 on it. Yeah, that's a good idea. Where do you think is the best place to keep it so you'll remember to use it the most?
SPEAKER_08:Inside my desk.
SPEAKER_01:Okay, another thing to keep in mind. And when we do something quickly without thinking, without the self-control, we have what's called short-term gain. We gain something from that, right? But often short-term gain means long-term pain.
SPEAKER_04:You got that? Short-term gain, long-term pain. I feel like that's gonna be important to remember.
SPEAKER_01:For example, if I call out in class without raising my hand, I got something out of calling out, but then long-term pain, I might get in trouble, I might be asked to leave the classroom, I might have an assignment that I need to do, right? So short-term gain equals long-term pain. But if I have self-control and I really try hard to stop myself from doing something, it's very hard. If I want that candy, I want it right now. And I say to myself, you know what? I'm going to stop myself. I'm going to save it for later. Short-term pain equals long-term gain. If I can stop myself from doing something, it's hard, but I get a lot for that later on. Sometimes I want to do something, I have a strong urge. We can do urge surfing. Surf the urge. Imagine you're in the ocean on a surfboard. The waves are like that urge. And I take my surfboard and I surf above the wave. That's what urge surfing is. And one thing that's helpful is if I squeeze my fists tight and then I open them up and squeeze my fists again tight, open them up, do that for 30 seconds, 60 seconds. And most of the time you'll see that what I wanted to do in the moment, I'm able to ride over that. I feel better afterwards. Next thing, if I have a big challenge and I need to use those self-control skills, sometimes I need to change my location. I need to walk away. If I'm getting really mad at a friend or really mad at my parents or at a sibling, sometimes I just need to go to a different space and it's so much easier. Okay, so remember that. New space, walk away. What happens if I'm not so motivated?
SPEAKER_04:In case somebody doesn't know what motivated means, wanna explain?
SPEAKER_08:When you're motivated to do it, you really want to do it.
SPEAKER_04:Right. And if you don't feel motivated, that would mean that you have no interest in even trying. So how do you get to that point where you're like, wait, I gotta become better at this? That's what Dr. Behaffer is gonna tell us.
SPEAKER_01:I sort of want to work on self-control, but I'm not too motivated. For a lot of people, both children and adults, having rewards and consequences can be very motivating. Rewards that I get if I'm able to have that self-control, and also a system of consequences, a punishment that I get if I don't have that self-control. A great thing is to have a system of money that they can earn, whether it's five cents, ten cents, twenty-five cents, you get something immediately, right? So there's the immediate reward, and then there's a long-term reward that you can then use that money to buy something. Another motivation could be having a great relationship, right? If I have a good relationship with my teacher, with my parents, with my friends, then that motivates me to impress them. I don't want to do the thing that is gonna be maybe in the moment a little bit impulsive. Impulsive means I'm reacting too quickly, I'm doing something too fast, I don't have the self-control. But if I have a good relationship with that person, I'm motivated to do what's gonna be pleasing for the other person, right?
SPEAKER_04:Ahuva, do you find that sometimes it's easier to have self-control when you like the teacher?
SPEAKER_08:Yeah, because you care about that relationship. Exactly.
SPEAKER_01:Another thing that helps with motivation is having a buddy system. Somebody that's working together with me to work on self-control. We talk about it together and we set goals together. It keeps us both on track. Keep in mind that sometimes when self-control is really, really tough, there are superpower pills that I can take that can help me with all the work that I'm doing and help me have more self-control. And that's something to speak to my doctor or my parents about. It's normal to fall back and not always have as much self-control as I want to have. We make some progress and then sometimes we fall back a little bit, and that's fine as long as we're getting back on our feet, pushing forward, working hard. It's normal to have some backsliding. We all need to dive in, ask Hashem for more self-control to have the power and the ability to overcome when I feel like I really want to do something or I really want to say something, and I know I have to have the self-control. Hashem gives us extra koach, extra power. May you all have tons of Hatslacha.
SPEAKER_08:Amen.
SPEAKER_01:Thank you for inviting me. Thank you, Moritziri. All right, bye now.
SPEAKER_04:There's so many good things that Dr. Bachhaffer just said. I think I'm gonna have to listen to it again just to really make sure that I understood it. But I'm already thinking how I'm gonna use some of those tips as an adult. Now let's listen to some words of advice from Mrs. Adigail Tuchinski, all the way from Israel.
SPEAKER_02:Hi everyone. My name is Adigail Tuchinsky. I'm an ADHD and social skills coach, which means that I help kids and teens, just like you, focus better in class, make long-term friendships, or understanding their emotions at best. Moratiri shared that many of you emailed her about self-control. And I really, really understand you. I know how hard it is when your brain just goes whoop, your words just go out, your actions just go right there. And then after, only after the fact you say, How did that happen again? Maybe it's after you got punished, maybe it's after you noticed what happened. So I'm here today to give you my best tip in order to help you with this. The first thing is when we know what we're worth, also when we feel like we failed somewhere or didn't master somewhere, we're still proud of ourselves and we know what we're worth. So the first thing I would recommend doing is writing down three things you love about yourself inside. Whether if it's your kind, you have a great sense of humor, maybe you're super responsible and help your mommy a lot around the house. The second thing is choose two things people can see on you that they love about you. Whether if it's your beautiful smile, your gorgeous hair, maybe the way you wear your glasses, maybe your beautiful freckles, and write those down. Now you have three to five things about you two inside and one outside, or three inside and two outside, and make yourself a powerful sentence every morning. Look in the mirror and tell yourself in your eyes to tell yourself, Miri, if your name is Miri, Miri, you are so kind, you're so responsible, and I love your freckles. This is your guess, this is your special word only you have for yourself. Watch how it's gonna make your game much better. And also at times when you didn't manage, then you know what to tell yourself. Miri, you're amazing, you're responsible, you're kind, and look at those beautiful freckles. It's okay. I messed up, I'm still worth it.
SPEAKER_04:This is number one. That's important to do because sometimes when we mess up, then suddenly we jump right to being like, oh, I'm the worst. But we have to actually just really remind ourselves no, we're exactly the same person, we just mess up, right?
SPEAKER_08:All the things that are awesome about me are still true.
SPEAKER_02:Number two, which is the tip for self-control, is imagine a car human down the road. What can happen with a crash? And what is it that the mechanics do? They put brakes in the car so they can stop in time. So that's exactly what we want to learn in practice. Break, break, break. And you're saying break, that's exactly what I can't do.
SPEAKER_08:That's a really hard thing to do, especially when something's annoying you.
SPEAKER_04:Exactly. So I wonder what her tip's gonna be so that we can work on that.
SPEAKER_02:But here's the trick you're gonna practice it through games, and then in real life, you'll be able to manage it also. So here you go. You can choose if you want to play pickup sticks or Jenga. I'm sure you've got one of those at home. If you don't have pickup sticks, they are super, super cheap at any dollar store around. And you're gonna play the first time with a friend, a parent, maybe even a sibling, and the goal of the game is to do fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast. Now tell me, how is that for you? Did you win? Or was it just one big mess? The second time you're gonna do it and every time before you take a move, you're gonna do break just like your parents do in the car. Put your foot down, break, and do that physical motion with your foot because that makes a break between your emotion and the brain. It gives a pause, a second to think every time. Break, break. Well, it may be a little annoying because you're practicing it at every step, but this is how you're gonna master self-control. And tell me how this game was. You break it every time and you looked around and thought, is this the right move for me, or is there a better move for me? Practice it, practice it, and practice it. And every time you manage, even just one step, you're gonna celebrate it like you did something huge because step by step gets you to your main goal. Wishing you lots of luck. Just imagine the break of the car. You've got this.
SPEAKER_08:Here's another tip that actually works. It's called fist talking. Clench your fist, and then you put it by your mouth and you talk in it very quietly, like you're shouting it, but you're just saying it in your fist.
SPEAKER_04:You're blocking the sound from actually coming out.
SPEAKER_08:Yeah.
SPEAKER_04:You do that during class, like when you want to blurt something out. Yeah, that's when you do it, when you have to blurt something out. That's awesome. You're getting like the satisfaction of clenching your fist, right? Almost like the surfing. So you're getting that fist clenching and you're actually moving your mouth so like it feels satisfying, but you're not disturbing anyone else.
SPEAKER_08:Yeah.
SPEAKER_04:That's awesome. And I think that this game that we just heard about would actually work with other games like Kerplunk, we have. So it's kind of similar to the sticks. We know that when you like do it nice and slow and you think about it and you take a few seconds before you grab a stick, then you're much more likely to make a good move. Okay, self-control. It's hard stuff, but we're all a work in progress. And I think that there's a lot of kids out there who know the struggle. And if we're all willing to work on it together, it'll be better for us, better for our teachers, but most importantly, better for us, right? I have a question for you, whova. Because you're like in the trenches of school. Like you go to school every day. You have the need to really control yourself a lot because when you're in school, there's someone who's gonna tell you, uh, right? People don't walk around telling adults that. Right. You have an opportunity to practice these little tips and tricks. On a day that you feel like you have a lot of self-control. I'm really controlling myself. I'm not blurting things out, I'm focused, I'm listening.
SPEAKER_08:Um, that I'm improving on my self-control and that I'm getting better. Yeah. How's your mood? It depends what happens in the day. But it's usually a happy mood, but also bored.
SPEAKER_04:Because you had to stifle in all those fun things. Yeah. Whatever stifle means. Stifle means like you hold it in. Like if you had all that fun stuff that wanted to come out of you and you squeeze it in too hard, then you could be really bored. So then what's the important thing to remember? Make time to have fun. Don't get rid of your silly side. Yeah. There's a time for everything, and make sure that your silly side has a place to shine. Thanks for joining me, Ahuva. Bye. Thank you everybody for listening in to the discussion on this episode of the Incredible Kids Podcast. If you would like to hear more about these incredible guest panelists, we'll call them, these special people who are helping kids with self-control, look in the show notes of the episode for more information. And once you're doing that, make sure to give us a five-star reading, share the podcast with a friend, please consider giving us a like and help us reach more incredible kids and their families all around the world. And we'll say it once again all of these strategies can be super helpful, but only with the help of Hashem. And so may he grant us all the power and the ability to do so. To find out when the next live event is happening, go on to incrediblekids.org and be sure that you are joined to one of our WhatsApp groups with constant updates and information. See you next time on the next episode of Incredible Kids Podcast.
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SPEAKER_04:Thanks for listening, and remember, you are all incredible.
